i am found.

I’ve had a few ‘Light bulb’ moments in my life.

One of the first most poignant ones was at college when I found Anthropology, it was (finally) a subject that I totally connected with not only on a mental level but on a spiritual and emotional level as well. It was a written and verbal account of all the cultures I had been fascinated with most of my life. In a lot of ways it also fuelled my anger toward the people who have mistreated indigenous cultures; an anger that I have been grappling with until today. But I’ll expand on that later.

The second very important epiphany came when I was sitting in the grandstand of a photography slideshow in Perpignan, France during the Visa Pour l’mage photography festival. It was the moment that I discovered photography as my life calling. Ever encouraged by my friends (particularly Ying , Blair and Gareth) I had never believed in myself enough to actually consider picking up a camera and never putting it down. But on that fateful night, I knew that I could. It has turned out to be one of the most important decisions to date. It saved my life. And I really mean that.

Here’s the thing of it. If you don’t follow your life’s calling, you won’t be happy. It will manifest itself into negativity, anxiety, sickness, jealousy, depression and confusion. A very wise woman told me that today and it related a lot to my life. She also helped me find my path and acknowledge the importance of it. I often get anxiety and what she has helped me to realise is that my anxiety is a manifestation of a confusion or diversion from the path I am meant to follow. And also guilt of not doing what I feel I should be. But I have also learned that I need to be kinder to myself because I am always learning and growing.

This displaced anger, the love for indigenous cultures, the anxiety; it is all signs that point toward the fact that my calling in this life is to bring voice to the injustices of indigenous/ mixed race peoples of the past and present. And I know it’s not only my calling but the calling of many others – indigenous and non-indigenous alike. But it is, also, my calling and now… everything makes sense.

Growing up in a mono-culture that is the Gold Coast, I always found it hard to connect with people. Being mixed race and feeling so strongly about diversity and equality in a place that was sometimes, not so accepting, I never knew how to channel my rage. And then I went to Hawaii and everyone was like me; a physical manifestation of the cultural rainbow that is the world and I at once felt at home. My movements there were fluid. My friend Aisea said, “You move well here” and nothing felt so true. But as a learn more and grow older, I think I can eventually learn how to feel that way in all places.

Photography is my median in my plight to help shed light on the atrocities of the past and present on native/ethnic/indigenous peoples. This might sound ludicrous to some and absolutely natural to others. But I know how I feel and now everything is as it should be. And now I stand in amazement at the calling of my life; I am found.

travis & blair.

my friends travis and blair got married. it was a beautiful golden day and i was lucky enough to have been asked to take the wedding photos. it’s really special being able to watch two people get married. it’s like an injection of hope for me; in a world laden with disaster that there is also still so much love.

and i think we all know that love is the most powerful forcefield there is.

blood.

gather me in the darkness, lift me toward the light.

in warped dream worlds, we are still friends.
i like that world;
where cars have joysticks not steering wheels,
and the ocean is always a perfect shade of blue.

losing things.

Losing things.

When I look back on my life, thus far, I see memories in clips. In beautiful moving images. Some of them are sad and others are blessed. Some of the people that are in my memories are no longer in my life for different reasons, but I mourn them all the same.

Some of my favourite people have died and I’m only 29. I lost my nana when I was 16 and there’s not a day I don’t miss her. She was so incredibly beautiful. You should of seen her; a glow of a woman. Not long after that I lost my Auntie Poppi, she was intensely beautiful too and then there was my friend, Sione; a gem of a human being. But there are other people who are not in my life anymore because we grew apart or something happened or we just stopped keeping in touch. Whatever the reason, I still miss all of them. I know so many people who are able to cut ties completely with people when they feel like the friendship/relationship didn’t really work out. I’m not so good at that. I’m too sentimental. I want to believe the best in people and remember them for it.

There’s one friend in particular. She was one of my best friends. I still laugh about the things we used to laugh about together. She was such a big part of my life and we used to laugh about the fact that we had felt like we had known each other for our entire existence. Sometimes I think of something, or I watch something – remember something and I want to call her or write to her and then I remember that things are complicated and we aren’t the friends we used to be….and then I get really sad. But I feel like we’ve been out of touch for so long that I wouldn’t know what to say other than, “I miss you.”

I guess some people are meant to be like ghosts in your life? You know that they are there somewhere but you don’t really see them. But I’m not entirely sure because not seeing them doesn’t feel right, you make it work but it doesn’t really fit. What I do know is that these moving images in my head are worth more than all the dark yellowed gold buried in this beautiful green earth. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. And when I think about you, I think about love. Not hate, nor anguish or anything of that manner. Just love. And I really needed you to know that.

beautiful music.

shelter by birdy

point & shoot fofo’s.





finding my balance.

How do I comprehend all of the things that I have been reading, watching, listening to?! How do I fit it into the boxes that I have been given to fathom the world. Everything should fit into a societal box, right?! Well, we know this isn’t true, not in the slightest. But how do we deconstruct all that we have learned and build our own model of what is right? And I don’t mean the – “I better call my friend today and congratulate her because she just got a new job”- kind of right, I mean deep from your soul- intuitive- sense- kind of right. Sure, every person, culture, albeit demographic has a different set of moral sensibilities but this is about opening your eyes, lifting the gauze and really seeing what’s going on.

I am nowhere near perfect and I know that I didn’t need to tell you that for you to already have known but I’m trying really hard to change the way I have been doing things. How can I be a more sustainable human being in a non-sustainable society? How can I improve the life of fellow human beings? How can I open my eyes more and in turn open the eyes of others?

I think it takes all six senses, especially the sixth. Intuition, so often cast aside in a science driven society yet it’s so integral to survival. It is that gut feeling that calls from the depths of all truths that has the real information. Listen to that more. No matter how painful or annoying it can be.

Sure, it’s undoubtedly easy to forget that the earth is dying and it’s effortless to go about your day consuming, working, eating, sleeping, drinking, but I’m sorry, we can’t just live like that anymore. Something has to give, even if it takes time and even if it’s uncomfortable. Everything can become a habit if you make it that way, even cycling your way to cleaner clothes. Imagine a hybrid laundromat/spin class, that would totally be a hit with the mothers! Nothing is inconceivable if it can be done. Sure, it’s going to really suck at first to give up some creature comforts but in the long run it will be worth it. I’ve made some small steps toward this and I’ve been assessing the way I am reacting to these changes emotionally, mentally and physically and so far, so good. I’ve swapped shopping for writing, photography, swimming, training, reading, recycling, donating….and sometimes I find it hard because it’s what I used to do at least once a week but I’m much better off because of it.

There are things I see myself doing in the future; living on a small farm in Hawaii, possibly bearing children or not bearing children, growing vegetables, feeding chickens, making beautiful pictures, disseminating knowledge to my family and the world and loving my partner. Trying, in my own way to be a sustainable individual.

I think people find it hard to read things like this, they may even laugh at my idealism but seriously, a new world can be made and it doesn’t have to be as severe as you think. Essentially, I’m just trying to work this all out…just like you.

f.f


my dream

I had the funniest/ weirdest dream last night, I dreamt I was a dealer, but not a drug dealer, a nut dealer. I dealt almonds, pistachios, peanuts – all sorts of nuts and i would say to people, “if you don’t pay, I’ll cut off your nuts.”

For real.

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