Tara Lynn, I salute you.

Tonight, I happened to log onto facebook and see a photo of a smoking hot woman named Tara Lynn and when I say woman, I mean woman! So curvy and so so beautiful. For the first time in a long time, I felt amazing about myself. I sat in front of the mirror with no clothes on and appreciated my stomach rolls. I don’t think I have ever appreciated them before. I have long agonised over the fact that I am curvy and that it takes me so much longer to lose weight than some other people and yet so much faster to put it on.

I have yo-yo’d with my weight my whole life. I have had bulimia and I have done so many fad diets in order to attain a body that the world would deem worthy. I was a big advocate for the cabbage soup diet – pity I smelled like a giant cabbage – and that when I went off the diet would stack the weight right back on. I grew up in a very ‘white’ town where beauty was all about being skinny and caucasian. I didn’t fit in to this mould at all.

I have hated my body for 29 years. No matter how skinny I got, it wasn’t enough. I would binge eat in my closet so my parents couldn’t see me eating. Every time someone would say something about my weight I would never forget it. I always thought if I lost more weight I would get a boyfriend or I would be happier. Like losing weight was the key to meeting a man?!!

It wasn’t until I realised that being beautiful is all about being healthy – mentally and emotionally and then everything else falls into place. I have also realised that everyone is different. That no two bodies are exactly the same and that people are beautiful in all shapes, sizes and colours.

When I saw Tara Lynn tonight, I realised that I have been looking at everything all wrong and that sometimes it takes someone courageous and self satisfied to break the mould. Tonight, I really love myself. All of myself. I hope I can be brave enough to keep on loving myself. Thank you, Tara.

photo via curvalicious inspiration.

release me.

When I look at my life I don’t even know what to say or where to start. In so many ways, I am extremely blessed and in others I am totally trapped. I’ve been scared of so many things my whole life. I’ve also been controlled by so many people my whole life.

I have been the door mat many times over.

But I feel like things are changing. I’m learning to unlock the shackles of my life. It’s not healthy to be controlled by people and I also realize that I cannot make everyone happy, nor do I want to pursue something that insane.

I feel like I’m getting stronger although it’s much harder than it sounds. When people get used to you being a certain way they don’t like it when you change, when your life changes. People like to be able to place you in their lives and what you mean to them in the scheme of things. No, I’m not at the whim of everyone now and sometimes I feel bad about that but then I realise if I never live my life the way I feel it should be, I will always be unhappy and what’s worse, being decidely unhappy in yourself but everyone else is happy about the situation? Or saying, fuck off, I am going to live my life and if you love me for who I am you get to stay and if you don’t, well I don’t need that negativity in my life anymore.

I’m tired of all the backstabbing and petty behaviour, I have no time for it nor will I entertain that sort of behavior. I’m tired of it making me upset. I’m tired of it letting me feel that way and when it comes down to it, I am just tired.

Oh, how I dream of being completely free…

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