I sat with a really amazing woman today who taught me some really amazing things and made me think about some things that others go through and the things that I experience.
* That addictions are fueled by the feeling one gets from them; happy, light, accepted, at home, weightless, content, that nothing else matters in this moment. This is true for all addictions whether it be spending, eating, drugs, alcohol, gambling etc. It is the feeling of getting rid of all of the things that weigh you down in your everyday life. But the trick to overcoming these addictions is by finding these feelings in all of your life. Being happy, content, at home, accepted. But addictions are not only fueled by the feelings you get by engaging in them, they are also fueled by the reasons you do take part in them to begin with. Things like abuse or public abuse like bullying or someone who uses their power over you whether that be power in the form of age, economics, race, gender etc. And thus impacting your sense of well being and self power and so this dismemberment of power from ones self can manifest in ways of addiction. Addiction is the pursuit of a feeling. Which is why people who have been heavily disenfranchised are more likely than those who have not been, to attain an addiction. Racism, poverty, abuse, feeling powerless and then feeling a lack of self worth – all of these things are segregating and power reducing.
* I associate the Gold Coast with all of the bad things that happened to me here. Bearing the brunt of racism and bullying because of being part Asian. Being bullied for being overweight during different intervals of my life. Having poor self esteem inherited from my parents – never being thin enough for them. My mother always handing me clothing, an extra size too big because that’s how she saw me, and now, I do the same thing to myself. But I am getting better. Changing the way I see myself. I am not my weight. But that’s still a really hard thing to get past. I resent the Gold Coast for a lot of things which is why I am always more anxious here. More nervous, out of place, not happy. These things that happened in my life are blockages to living a full life here and meeting a community of people who are like me. People who push the boundaries and see magic in life and in the world. But I’m not there yet, by any means, to forgiving and forgetting this place and the people who made it difficult for me. I’m working on it.
* Hawaii for me felt completely right from the get go. I moved with ease there, still do. People accepted me for who I was. My mixed heritage, my yo-yoing weight, my passion for life and for asking questions. I am light in Hawaii, I feel like I float on the breeze, I can breath there. This is also how I feel when I travel; a freedom from parts of myself that are bruised, freedom from those who I feel made me feel this way….freedom.